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Transformers: Age of Extinction (2014)

Cade Yeager (as his farm is being searched for a transformer): Where is your warrant?

James Savoy: My face is my warrant.

 

Yes, this is actual dialogue from “Transformers: Age of Extinction”. I know, you don’t go to a Michael Bay movie for dialogue (or a plot, which we will get to), but “My face is my warrant”?!?! I turned to my brother (who was laughing with me) and told him this movie just lost all hope of being good (to be fair, I did not have much of it going in).

The first “Transformers” movie was actually good, in my mind. After seeing the second one (“Revenge of the Fallen”) I lost all hope for the rest of the films (I never saw the third one). In this new film, those who will be entertained will be those are either extreme fanboys (and I mean EXTREME), or those who want special effects over story, reason, sanity, and overall common sense.

I cannot describe the plot. I really can’t. Actually, I doubt there was one. It was like having a neighborhood kid show you all of his Transformers collection (which I would have preferred, because the kid would probably make a story that makes sense). From what I gathered, the humans (or, more accurately, the government) wants to make their own transfomers to get rid of the real Transformers. Bring in Mark Wahlberg as Cade Yeager, a mechanic who helps fix Optimus Prime (the main good transformer, for those who don’t know), his daughter Tessa (Nicola Peltz) and her boyfriend Shane (Jack Reynor). Shane is supposed to be Irish, but he has an accent that lasts about 34 percent of the whole movie.

Other actors are thrown in to try to carry this film, including Stanley Tucci as Joshua Joyce, who is at first a bad guy, then a good guy, and Kelsey Grammer as Harold Attinger, the main politician who wants to rid the world of Transformers (the real ones). I don’t remember his official title: It was too loud to hear.

Now to the plot. There is none. At least none that I could find.

Let me put it this way: If it weren’t for IMDB, I would have no idea who was who in this movie.

Parents, I am sure you kids will like it (there is some swearing, and mild innuendo.) I feel there are much better movies though you can take them to.

The movie is also horribly long. If you go to a movie with me, you know I HATE IT when people have their cell phones on. This was the closest I ever got to having my cell phone out, and now I wish I had.

About a month before I saw this film, I had a kidney stone. Between the two, the kidney stone was more painful of course. Still, I at least had more faith in the kidney stone passing then I did this movie ending.

Rating: 1 Star *

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