The 10 Worst Films of 2017

Worst of 2017

The only reason these films are not on the list is that I was spared seeing them…

I am still waiting on a few movies to see before I can list my top ten movies of 2017, but I am more than ready to list the pieces of trash (trash being the most polite word I can think of) of the past year. Movies in the collage above are not going to be mentioned, only because I did not see them.

 

That being said, here comes the reminder of the pains I went through the past year…

 

10.

The Shack

Despite having a nice message, The Shack falls in so many ways that it sadly becomes another forgettable Christian movie. Also, I still don’t see how you can see the title and not think it is a horror film.

 

9.

The Space Between Us

I had hopes for The Space Between us, but was disappointed. Despite nice acting and chemistry between the young leads, the story goes nowhere and we are left wishing Butterfield and Robertson were in another movie.

 

 

8.

The Emoji Movie

 

Every now and then, I feel a little sorry for The Emoji Movie, which was not as hated by me as most of the rest of the human race (even by those who did not see it). Then my mind remembers how bland and boring the film was. And the absolute worst humor imaginable.

 

7.

Split

 

Lousy M. Night, making me almost hopeful that he may be going back to good movie making. At the end, Split is still an utter failure, with premises that I found completely ridiculous.

 

6.

Roland (Idris Elba) in Columbia Pictures' THE DARK TOWER.

 

While watching The Dark Tower, you get a sense that this movie had so much promise, but that every decision made behind camera was the wrong one. I never read the book series (by Stephen King), but I feel that doing so will give me more reason to hate the film.

 

5.

Transformers

Tranformers: The Last Knight. It is a Transformers movie. That alone should be enough explanation.

 

4.

POTCDMTNT

Remember when the Pirates of the Caribbean movies where fresh, new, and exciting? Well, if they make more sequels like Dead Men Tell No Tales, I will forget why I liked the first film at all to begin with.

 

3.Life

 

A solid cast and some neat special effects cannot stop Life from being a rip off of the original Alien, or from having one of the worst end twists I have seen in my life.

 

2.

The Snowman

If you look up all the people associated with The Snowman, you will be as confused as I am. Confused not just at the plot, but at how all these people could make a film the equivalent of eating yellow snow.

 

1.

frozenolaf

 

It may have been a Disney animated “short” (yeah, those quotation marks are as important as ever), but I have seldom felt more anger (even hatred) towards a movie screen than when I had to sit through Olaf’s Frozen Adventure. Sure, Disney pulled the film (which was followed by the far more superior Coco) a few weeks later, but those of us who saw it were left with one of the most excruciating experiences that we are still not sure is over yet. No one asked for this film to be in a theater, and I predict it will have the same future that was given to The Star Wars Christmas Special back in the 1970s.

The Snowman (2017)

The Snowman

Harry Hole (Michael Fassbender) stares at The Snowman

The suspense that is haunting me after seeing The Snowman is not from the story. It is wondering how in the name of all that is sacred did so many talented people make this utter piece of crap? I would rather shovel snow with plastic sandwich bags as boot replacements (and I live in the suburbs of Chicago). The film does give you chills, but far from the positive kind.

There are going to be a lot of names I mention that will make you realize how disappointing this movie truly is. Unlike the victims in the movie, these Hollywood talents will have their careers survive, but it will leave scars. Executive Producer Martin Scorsese (yep, you heard right) and director Tomas Alfredson (who made that timeless vampire movie Let the Right one in in 2008 and Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy three years later) give us a movie that is grubby, drabby (not sure if that is a word, but it fits the movie), and muddled. Alfredson himself said the movie was rushed, and that up to 15% of the script was not even shot. I guess that figures out correctly, though to call the script loose is an understatement: I don’t think any screws were used at all to secure it.

It truly seemed like the talented Michael Fassbender was mopey the entire time. He stars as Harry Hole (I am all about character names where they have the same letter for first and last name, but his just seems weird), who I believe is a detective of some kind in Norway (which I did not know until I looked it up). There is a killer on the loose who is always ahead of Hole, leaving Snowmen at the scene of the crime. We also know that, as a child, he mother committed suicide by driving out on a frozen lake and waiting for the ice to crack.

Hole is also accompanied by Katrine Bratt (Rebecca Ferguson, who was in another bad movie earlier this year, Life). Whether it be as a team or as potential lovers, chemistry is completly absent. Hole also has an ex girlfriend (I think? the relationships were hard to follow) Rakel (Charlotten Gainsbourg) who has a son named Oleg (Michael Yates) who Harry is trying to be a father to (though he is not, I don’t  think). Even Mathias (Jonas Karlsson), Rakel’s current boyfriend, is cool with Harry.

Yeah, ok.

There are other subplots that are completely obscure. I am a big fan of J.K. Simmons, but his character, Arve Stop, adds nothing to the movie at all. It also hurt to see that his accent was just atrocious. Another character that is borderline laughable is Rafto. He is played by Val Kilmer. His character is told in flashbacks, but he is supposed to be a myth in the business of the police. Had Kilmer been given enough to work with (which he is given the equivalent of a teaspoon of sugar), he may have had something. It also does not help that Kilmer seems to have been dubbed horribly (I do know the actor recently had battled cancer, so if that is the reason, then I obviously would not fault him at all. There is also Chloe Sevigny as twins, because…….um, well, it does something for the story I guess. Seriously, these great actors are just left out to dry.

Parents, there is some swearing, a bit of nudity (the Simmons character was almost borderline Harvey Weinstein which thankfully did not happen), and a lot of violence. I say High School and above. The IQ level you need, however, is anywhere above 10.

Even the editor, Thelma Schoonmaker, is a victim of The Snowman. She has worked on Scorsese masterpieces (Goodfellas and Raging Bull, just to name some). Being show in snowy landscapes, there are maybe one or two nice looking shots that got my attention, but that is it.  I mean, seriously. The only thing worse than a bad movie is a bad movie made by talented people. The Snowman is a movie that can be used to blackmail movie lovers (let alone critics), sending shivers down the spine.

There is still the worst movie sin that The Snowman does commit.

One that no movie, never, ever, should.

Being utterly boring.

Overall: One Star *

 

2017: Halftime Report

movie

Every year, the first half is more difficult to find great movies in (since studios put their best in theaters in the last months of the year). As always, I am not able to see all the films (or avoid all of them), but I managed to make a top five of the year that are so far worth remembering the most six months from now.

However, let us first look at the five movies that I are worth forgetting (at least till I make the worst of the year list in six months).

The Worst

 

5.  Split

I am sorry, but the script was not something I could believe, no matter how great James McCovoy.

 

4. Get Out

Ok, I will get a lot of feedback on this, but I still am trying to find out how this movie is so well rated on rottentomatoes. I admit the movie was funny, but scary? Hardly.

 

3.  Pirates of the Carribean: Dead Men Tell No Tales

Javier Bardem makes an good villian, but he entered this tired franchise far too late. It has officially sunk.

 

2. Transformers: The Last Knight

Yeah, no real surprise here. Does this franchise still have fans?

 

1. Life

 

Predictible. Unoriginal. Don’t get me started on the ending.

 

 

Ok, now the best of the year so far…

 

5. Okja

Streaming now on Netflix, this story of a little girl on a quest to save her giant pet pig is no kiddie flick. It is strange and weird, but also beautifully original.

 

4. The Lego Batman Movie

Lego strikes again with originality and humor. Stretching even further into the Lego universe, it is got plenty of entertainment for any age.

 

3. Wonder Woman

DC has not had as many solid hits as Marvel, but this was definetly a big one for the company. Gal Gadot gives a solid performance in a movie that will have both genders rooting.

 

2. Baby Driver

With the exception of Mad Max: Fury Road, no movie in the last few years has had as much road raging action and octane. Not to mention the acting and comedy.

 

1. Logan

Hugh Jackman gives a bittersweet performance in his swan song film of the character he brought to life over a decade ago. Add in a tight script with fine supporting acting, and you have a comic book movie for people who don’t like comic book movies.

 

Here is to the second half of the year…

Life (2017)

Life

Jake Gyllenhaal is one of the crew that discovers new “Life”.

Perhaps this movie rubbed me the wrong way, but boy was I not happy with Life.

Despite a talented cast that includes Ryan Reynolds and Jake Gyllenhaal, some nice special effects, and a (very) few moving visuals, the story offers us nothing we have not seen before (it is basically Alien).

The movie opens with a long (and I mean long) continuous shot of the crew aboard a space craft about to recover a specimen retrieved from Mars. After some careful testing, Hugh (Ariyon Bakare) is able to bring the small amoeba like creature to life. Back on earth, an elementary school was selected to pick the name of the creature, and names it Calvin.

If you have seen the trailer, you know things are about to go wrong, as this creature (who somehow grows eyes) is able to pick off a crew member one by one. Some of these deaths are (in their own weird way), nice to look at. One such crew member has Calvin enter their mouth and literally eat their insides.

Possible the biggest problem I had with the movie was the fact that the trailer truly gave away almost all you need to know. We know that they have to kill this creature (which somehow grows eyes) before it gets to earth, no matter what, so the possibility of survival is very minimal in our minds even before we buy the ticket.

Parents, the movie is rated R, mainly for the violence (which is standard, though shows like The Walking Dead have the same amount) and swearing (a good amount of it, including many F bombs). Depending on your kids, middle schoolers may be ok with it, but I doubt it.

Ok, I won’t give away the ending of this movie, but I need to talk about it. Just when I thought the movie could not get any more standard and boring, they tack on an ending so bizarre and out-of-place that I was thinking the movie’s director (Daniel Espinosa, who is talented) would make M. Nigh Syamalan confused. It is an ending that is on par with the 2001 Planet of the Apes remake by Tim Burton (the one with Mark Wahlberg).

Sorry, but Life is not worth wasting yours.

Overall: One and a half Stars * 1/2